ZhongRuan Lover

Friday, September 24, 2010 ' 9:29 PM

MOVED! (:

CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE NEW BLOG! (:

Wednesday, August 25, 2010 ' 12:07 PM

Hello all! In attempt to revive my blog, I shall post once more before I leave my house! xD

Yesterday was quite a fruitful practice, was fun with some of the usual people around like weijie, shuzhen and yikhung! :D nonetheless, saddening to not have wenshan, cass and joel around. Tan bo yue only had 2 people, wth? HAHA, nonetheless practice went through smoothly and it was the end of practice in no time. Yizhan and xiuru sat through the practice and I bet they were falling asleep, along with blood vomitting of some constant mistakes. :X

Been practicing liuqin and it takes time to get runny notes done well. ): Oh, mr tan mentioned yesterday that 'Speed is Musicianship. If you play fast and clear, you are a good musician'. Sad to admit, but it can be true most of the time, that audiences often deem technical players as wonderful musicians.
But I believe music is not that shallow as it seems to be. It is true that it takes alot of patience and practice to get fast passages through easily, but I believe music is more than just playing it fast and well, but about feeling the music within you, and how much you love your instrument. That's what makes you, a great musician. Along with that, one's attitude towards music, I believe is essential in allowing one to play music much better, such as having a positive self-willing attitude in comparison to a negative forced attitude.

Ah heck, like as if I'm some good musician! :X What right do I have, to testify against other's ideologies. I ain't that good anyway, but I do strive to be one. And I hope that these tiny guidelines of mine will inspire some, and hopefully bring me to my dream. Hee! (:

Oh yes, I was browsing through some of my friends on Facebook, and found out another one to be gay :X Whoops! No names to be mentioned, but I hope he'll cheer up as he just broke up with his boyfriend. :/ Coincidental enough, but it seems true that people always come out of the closet after a break up from a serious relationship. At least, it applies to most of the gay friends I know, including myself. Heee!

Yeap, I think that'll mark the end of the post. Gonna go town! Hee! (: Just hope to have fun later, and I also do hope that I'll have a more positive life from now onwards. That'll be all! Bye!!~

P.S.: Love ain't knocking on my door, so this mouse is out to squeak outside other's! (:

Friday, August 20, 2010 ' 11:48 PM

Once again, sincere apologies for my absence. (: I'm back to blog, like after such a long time.

Honestly, I don't really feel a need to post much happy stuffs here because happiness, can be seen in real life or online statuses like msn and facebook. But sadness, you all cannot see. Randal wears a mask out everyday, not any normal mask like your cosplay masks, or your facial masks for whitening and what nots. It's a mask that you all cannot see the deep dark heart that lies within, one that has lost...so much.

Having so much to say, I wonder whether I'll be able to say everything before I actually knock out to bed. But nonetheless, let's see how things go bahs.
I always find myself a failure in life, so much unaccomplished. Tell me, what have I exactly accomplished? Nothing.

Love? Okay, maybe 3-4 years of blissful happiness, but it all shattered to nothing now. I chose the guy who I thought would love me forever (and he promised he would) but he did not. He gave me his most, but only for a short period of lets say...2-3 years? After which, it was all me. Me me me, and I found out that he doesn't love me anymore. We've seperated, and don't talk anymore nowadays.
I tried falling for others, but it doesn't work out as well. Either being played, fooled, tricked, or abandoned. HAH, this is hilarious indeed.

Hmms, next up, studies. Let's see...okay even though I did do well for O levels, I ended up not in a JC because of my lazy attitude of not wanting to study. I didn't end up in SP because I don't have good enough results. I ended up in RP, wasting my 1st year on nonsense, 2nd year on BASICS, and 3rd year on bias facilitators. My GPA is not outstanding like above 3.5, my school life is not any way interesting or fun. Modules are boring, useless and unnecessary for my future.

Skills? What skills do I have, that can allow me to have a bright future? Knowing how to play so many CO instruments? Pointless! Learning dizi first in secondary school, then hopping to guzheng, percussion and mallets. So what if I went SYF? I didn't get gold with honours. LOL. After which, coming to RPCO, I picked up ruan and liuqin. Not anywhere near the tough competition out there, I find myself to slow amongst everyone. Learning yangqin at my free leisure? LOL, pointless. Same applies to the other instruments like erhu, cello, pipa and sheng.

Then what? Piano? Violin? A grade 6 in piano is nothing, because it was quite a long time ago. I can not longer sight-read well enough. I find myself ignorant of dynamics, my right hand fingers are not flexible, left hand fingers do not react to pressing of large chords. Violin? Nonsense, I barely learnt it. And now what...? My ruan teacher is not free to teach me, I'm in need of another ruan teacher and cannot find one. No matter how much I practice, I never seem to improve. At this rate, how do I enter NAFA after RP? Impossible.

Other skills you ask? Skills like multimedia? Phototaking and editing? Photoshop skills? Flash animation? HTML? I ain't a pro in them, and will never be, because I just can't stay put...to learn them properly. I have short attention span. Language skills? I'm horrid at chinese and can't converse well in it. English? LOL, aint good enough. Having bad sentence structures, grammar errors, and I can't speak fluently nor convincingly.

Arranging songs? HAH, another failure. I don't have such a good musical background anyway, I can't get my structures right, my harmony is cha-pa-lang, I can't sight-sing, and I need hell of a time to transcribe. I depend on given chords, scores and midi files. Tell me, what kind of arranger...is that? Copycat more like it.

Hmms...next up, friends? Okay, maybe it seems like I have such a huge circle of friends. But when things crop up, when things happen, I don't feel that all comfortable to trouble any one of them. Close CO friends around me like Cassandra, Joel, WeiJie, WenShan, YikHung, ShuZhen, to close school friends like Desmond, April, Jean, Amon? Nope, no one I can approach when I really feel so down. It's like...when I'm weeping and I scroll through my list of contacts in my phone...I don't press anyone's contact to call. I come across...your number. And I remember how much I called that number, your number. The number, that I always wait for at 10.30pm when I'm having dinner after CO.

My own character and personality? HAH, this is a funny one. I treat other so uber nice, I get bullied. I get picked on, I get insulted or taken advantage of? People think that I'll never get angry, play tricks, jokes and what nots. I treat others random treats because I'm nice, and some will expect more in future. I forget to collect my debts and people just act ignorant.
Yet when it comes to me treating others less nice, they say I'm a two-sided snake? I treat a while nice, a while not nice? -.-" Tell me, what do I do to get things right? I raise my voice when I'm angry, and people say I'm petty? I emo and feel sad when people don't treat me nicely, and they say I'm over-sensitive? I don't know how many times I got this, countless. But nothing I can do.

Money? LOL, okay a bit more well-off than others doesn't give me an upper-hand. My parents don't support me much in my wants, such as wanting this wanting that. I had to persuade so much to get my new ruan, and I'm not satisfied with it because of my own stupidity. I want Zhang Xin Hua qin! D: whatever.

Fitness? HAH. I'm freaking unhealthy. I don't exercise, I sleep too much. I have a lousy appetite that is totally PMS-ing. I am malnutritioned especially since I don't like milk. I have no muscles, no 6pack, no strength, no nothing.
Looks? LOL, please. I'm not an ordinary guy. I'm lesser than an ordinary guy. Fat, not any way shuai. Don't have awesome eyes, pimples on my face occasionally. Bad hair that I will wanna cure but will never be able to. Afraid of contact lenses. I wanna wear this wear that, but I don't own the clothings? LOL, how pathetic is this?

Now what can I do? I just have to know that my love for ruan wont die off. That I will stay on to learn the magical instrument and do awesome things on it. But still, I'm too slow. To catch up with the others from NAFA, its too late. It's all too late. What's the point? I won't probably be able to carve a career out of ruan any time soon, maybe at most 8-10 years down the road? Nonetheless, its useless to say anything. I feel that I'm so unachieved, nothing I have been doing...has been going well. Mediocre results that are unsatisfactory to both the society and myself.

Randal, tell me, are you a failure?

Friday, July 30, 2010 ' 11:04 PM

HOLY CRAP! .__. i took more than a month to post! :X i'm so very very sorry people! ):

These few days have been really very busy days for me! (: but not too bad still. Juggling schoolwork, FYP, CO, love life, and friends, along with my own musical practice, scores arrangement! Quite a mad rush over lots of stuffs recently, but I'm still surviving! :D Recently wrote Smoke On The Water for CO, but didn't really turn out ideal as it's tough. Quite disappointed :/ but it's inevitable bahs (: Maybe in future!

So yeap, the hectic weeks will soon be over once holidays arrive! :D I hope things will go smoothly till holidays, although some stuffs aren't going as smoothly as I wanted it to be. :/ Oh well, lets just hope things will go fine! hee!

That'll be all bahhs! Off to do my work, see you all soon! (:

P.S.: -squeak squeak- I...miss you! (: hee!

Sunday, June 20, 2010 ' 12:12 AM

Hello all. (: Okay, deep in my heart, I'm not feeling okay. Today has been a really, very tiring day for me. Not physically, but emotionally.

Really glad to meet up with shuzhen and yizhan korkor (: Went to Fantasia and saw jonline, marcus, timothy and yinhao there, along with mr wu. Korkor wanted to repair his erhu by replacing the snakeskin but oh well xD he reconsidered and may be coming back some other time. Had awesome food, and then off to shopping. Totally couldn't tolerate the temptation within me, the desire to shop and buy and buy and buy. Shirts, t-shirts, vests, belts, shoes, pants, jeans, bermudas, bags, spectacles, watches, accessories etc. Oh dear, adding on...GSS is here. I'm going crazy :X managed to keep my temptation (to not use my NETS card) and bought a piece of shirt (: thanks yizhan korkor also for helping me pay half first, will pay you the other half real soon.

Went to J.CO donuts to slack for around an hour plus, and off to AMK. Met daryl lok there, nice guy though really quiet (to me) LOL :X practiced at tgcc, wanna know more about how i feel about that, ask me personally. Nothing unhappy about that to be mentioned here. Then off home after some bubble tea.

Okay, now its time for some emo-ing. :/ Hai ya, I'm really trying my best to move on, and try to live life without love. But I can't do it, I really can't. Whenever I go out, I just can't stop thinking of you. The quiet you, that will always be there beside me. Not that I'm despising or disliking, but outings nowadays are too hyperactive for me, too much energy, too much talking, too much movements. I wanna live in that little private world of ours, when we go on bus rides, and there's not a need to talk much. Whenever we walk in shopping malls or anywhere, we need not walk really fast or talk much either, we only needed each other. Now my social circle has changed so much, it has been very loud and energetic lately, too much for me to blend in. Everyone is going bonkers easily from small matters which I don't find funny nor necessarily energetic.

Alot of my circles luh. Yizhan and Shuzhen's side, too hyperactive. I believe you two have noticed that I'm just too tired for these stuffs. In fact, I've never really wanted to live this 'mad way' lah. I just want to have someone close to, and we'll have each other without a need of constantly going hyper nor laughing non-stop.
It's alot like xiuru's and weijie's situation i'd say. They need not have endless energy nor endless topics, they just need each other to walk home together. It's honestly enough. Just simple holding of hands, maybe a hug and goodbye kiss, and its enough. On the bus, a shoulder to lean on...beats having someone that talks endlessly just to break silence. In the shopping mall, just need someone there beside you walking around is more than enough.

It's really very simple love. Just in each other's heart, we had each other. We knew how much we loved each other, and we need not constantly keep saying it either. We need not have any ridiculous PDAs just to show others that we were in love.
You were as quiet as Weijie, even though in your own social circle that you were sometimes hyperactive, sometimes talkative and hot-tempered towards your friends. But once you turned to me, it was so different. You were calm and cool, you never raised your volume at me. You didn't have to talk much honestly. At most in the bus, we'd listen to music from your psp, and lip-sync to the song. Jason Mraz, Lucky. I'd always sing the girl's part, while you'd sing the guy's. We need not have techno, heavy metal or any energetic music to keep the things going.

You always spoke to me in a very sweet voice that always melted me. You'd look at me with those eyes that told me 'you are my only one'. Sometimes, even the smallest 'I miss you' could make me cry. We'd hold each others hands at the back of the bus and sometimes one of us would blush. I'm really happy for Xiuru and Weijie for their happy relationship, because I know how it feels to have one. It feels so blessed, so fortunate. It is a peaceful relationship, no quarrels, not much disagreements. It was perfect in our case, totally perfect.

Our relationship. We NEVER had a cold war even our relationship was for years. We'd have disagreements at times, but we'll solve it. When you did things that made me angry, I'd emo and you'd catch it immediately. You'd then ask me what's wrong, and 'did i do something wrong? tell me!'. And i'd tell you after that, which i'd melt after you always gave an apologetic face with a 'i'm so sorry!' I'd even hug you at times and say that i never blamed you, and in fact sometimes i even thought that it was me being oversensitive.
Sometimes, even though we gave in to each other so much, but we'll NEVER bring it up again. We'd never bring unhappy stuffs up in our disagreements. We'd never be too stubborn on something, and no matter what...we'd find a consensus. We'll both end up saying sorry, even if it ain't our fault.

Whenever you were sick, I wish I was the one sick instead. Seeing you having those horrid headaches, made me feel so useless. I'd just let you hug me to sleep, hoping that me being beside you would aid somehow. It'd work sometimes :X We'd have alot of fun too :/
It's over, its all gone. No more...

No more nice quiet walks with a man of few words, yet with deep feelings. No more large warm hands to hold, that would tell me that 'No one will bully you, I'm here'. No more passionate hugs and kisses that represented 'I'm glad I have you. And I'm glad you have me'. No more shoulders to lean that said 'Go ahead and sleep. I'll tell you when it's time to alight'.

Nothing is left now. I'm to adapt to the new surroundings. Being alone without anyone to complain to. Today at CO practice, I was so pissed, so angry, so depressed over the music. I wanted to just tell someone about it, and be consoled. I tried two people, but it didn't work. One said that I was bad, the other laughed at my sms. Oh well, can't really blame you two also. (: After all, who am I to you all? Just a friend only what.
I'd remember that if you were the one, you'd call me immediately, being worried about me. Would console me, and tell me to focus on other more important stuffs, like thinking of him. :/ Sometimes if you were beside me, you'd just drag me over to a small corner where we'd have our private time alone. We'd talk it all out, and after a warm hug and kiss topped with your silly smile that never fails to make me smile, i'd be fine surely.

Oh well, no matter how much I complain here, no matter how much i yearn for everything to be back, it will never...i mean, NEVER happen again. I'm convinced that you'll never love me again. What did I do wrong? How am I inferior to the other guy you like? I loved you with my heart, with my soul. You promised me, that we'll be forever. We promised to have each other. You were so close to me, as though it was just a minute ago. I can still remember your warm hands and how it felt. Your hug that my head could only reach your shoulders. You'd even carry me from your kitchen to your room randomly because I was just too tired to walk sometimes. I'd sit beside the basketball court watching you play basketball, and smile whenever you scored. and also smiled whenever you missed too. You'd occasionally turn to me and smile, as I gave you the 'jiayou jiayou' handsign. I was the only one at the side watching you.

Okay, it really hurts. The pain is SUPPOSED to go away in time right? All I can say, its getting deeper. I went to stalk someone's facebook and viewed photos of him and his boyfriend's photos, which only made me cry more. It fucking hurts, when I see those neoprints we took, those intimate (YES PRIVATE ONES that you all cannot see) photos, and worse of all...chat logs. I can't take it anymore, I almost...and I meant it, I almost wanted to hug yizhan korkor today. But it's difference. Though you were of similar height, but your build was larger. Your hands were larger, your smile was more assuring, and your voice was more mellow. You spoke so little. I...miss you.

P.S.: argh, I can go on for 10k words essay about what we've done so much, I still remember so much of it. But it'll never, never be here for me again. I've lost it, because you chose to leave me. Where on earth you do not love me anymore after the trip? Our love was so strong. Maybe, you just got sick of me. After all, I am...your didi maybe...all the while?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010 ' 11:27 PM

Yawns, hello all.

Tired from classes. Had CME class today, was quite boring, almost fell asleep. Left early for ruan lesson though. Learnt how to play Yunnan 2nd Movement properly. (: and brushed up on 3rd movement. Alot more to learn! Alot more to practice. I'm hungry, for ruan. Very hungry.

I wanna play gao yin ruan (WAITING TO GET BACK FROM JOEL xD), and probably play some interesting liuqin pieces. (: now i've been practicing on xiao ruan, but not as shuang as gao yin ruan lah (: Hope to play more zhongruan too, get my solos more smoothly of course! hahaha, liuqin too, although i dont really fancy the instrument much, but still must practice! (: Alot more to learn, thirsty for knowledge and skills, but more importantly, thirsty for playing ruan. :X

Oh anyway, I'm trying my best not to get this post into an emo post! :X spoke a little to shanshan just now lah! Brought up some concepts which allow me to come to this day as a ruanner, a passionate learner.
As musicians I think we should be humble lah. Always be open to constructive criticisms, and don't be bothered too much by just plain insults. Whenever someone says you are in wrong in some song, ask for a way to improve it. Don't go around emo-ing that you suck, or go around PMS-ing that somebody noober than you...criticised you. No point lah, so much angsty, so much dislike...whats the point.

We also shouldn't be too proud lah (: Never think you are too good. Be humble, like i mentioned. Even if we really do so awesome in a certain piece, head forward to the next piece and another, and more and more. Instead of just going 'oh, i rock at this piece, and i'm only gonna play it. to hell for the other pieces that i cant play.' thats quite a negative attitude in my viewpoint ): We should learn even though its tough. If we complain that the song is too tough, and we don't work hard to learn it, we'll never improve. We have to be patient, be hardworking. (:

Last but not least, we shouldnt be too inferior on ourselves also lah. Always think we ownself lousy, ownself cannot make it, yet dont try. Our standard will then be stagnant, and never improve. Damn sad lah :/ Because we always wanna be as good as those really good musicians out there. (: so we should adopt good attitude mahhhhh :X

YEAP, that'll be the end of my 'musical' post. (: end off with a nice video for you all! nights people!

Saturday, June 12, 2010 ' 11:48 PM

My blog, is filling up with so much sadness after january 2010. After we broke up, I can never smile truthfully from my heart. Within everything I smile now, there is still sadness within. I cannot smile anymore, I cannot laugh non-stop anymore.

I can never forget how happy I was whenever I felt bored, and will get a random sms from you in class. I'd melt whenever you said I Love You, Precious. How we webcammed because we missed each other so much. Even if we depart for just an hour, we'd start smsing each other because we miss each other.

In the bus, it was so nice, to have you beside me, as I leaned towards you, feeling your warm arm and mellow voice. Even though you are a man of few words, but the words were enough for me, in fact more than enough. I'd look at your without turning away whenever you weren't looking. And when you are looking, I'd look into those eyes of yours, through those spectacles that fit perfectly with you.

I remember I rushed off after Reflections 2009 last year, because you came and I went home with you. I was so happy, that you came to watch, and I was more happy that I could go home with you in the bus. (: It was so warm-hearted, I felt without worries, and all I felt, was happiness and nothing negative.

You were my everything, you were...my smile. Everything I'd do, even if anything went wrong, I'd still smile because I knew that you were there. Whenever I'd go bonkers and stressed over CO, I'd surely call you and chat with you, whether in the train, at Sembawang waiting for bus, or at a fastfood restaurant where I'd go out to talk to you on the phone. You would always call me at the typical 10+pm timing because you were so worried about me. You'd sms me everyday no matter what, especially at night after the tiring day.

Your love was so delicate, precise and meticulous. You went to the finest details, everything...just to make me happy. I was really very happy. You'd stand up for me whenever people bullied me. You'd hug me so tightly whenever I was so tired and rested on your bed. It felt so comfortable, to be embraced in your large warm arms. We'd go out to movies and outings, and had so much fun. Many hangouts around singapore, we've went. Lot 1, IMM, Dhoby, Bishan, AMK, Northpoint, Vivo, Tampines, and even Sembawang Shopping Centre. I still remembered, I only had around 2hours of free time, and we missed each other so much. So we decided to meet at SSC for that short duration, hang out a short while, and then off we went.

I could never forget, that because we missed each other so much, even if it was just a half-hour, you'd still come down to northpoint to meet me, and wait for my bus home. In fact, there are so many times, you'd sit the bus home with me. I felt so blessed, so fortunate to have you, and I treasured everything you did, everything of you. You'd even come to my school to meet me, even though it required half hour to come. You'd also wait at causeway point to meet me, and sometimes we'd catch a movie or a meal there! I remember, Sakae Sushi at CWP. Was really awesome. (: The romantic Jack's Place on valentine's (if i'm not wrong :X). Swensens at NP! The japanese food court too! :D hehehe.

I can't let go, I can't forget. In fact, without all these, I feel so empty. My bus trips home are cold and lonely, without anyone beside me, nor anyone to sms sweetly. My hp inbox is empty now, and I don't have any smses from you to review anymore. I'd always smile at the smses you sent me, and kept them. I even opened a private blog to keep all those smses, because my inbox was full. Now when I return to my chat log and look at what you said in the past, I'd cry so much and longed for everything again.
I have nobody to hug in comfort anymore, nobody to sms without worry, nobody to rush to meet. My heart would pump whenever I went to meet you. Even if it was the 1000th time meeting you, I'd still dress uber nicely just for you.
Whenever I go shopping now, I find it totally meaningless. Because I used to shop for you, in search of stuffs to get for you, to pamper you, to shower you. I'd do anything for you, I'd change for you, I'd pon class for you, I'd spend my entire week's savings on you. I'd fly to tampines just to meet you. Watching a movie I dont like, eating something I dont fancy, learning a song you liked, staying up late just to talk to you, rushing home just to get a chance to talk to you. Now, I have none of these to do. I have no one to shower my love to. I have no one who'd shower his love on me. Life, has become so sad now that I do everything just for myself.

It has changed, the way I smile. I used to smile so much in photos, without having to force it out. I used to laugh at jokes without hesitation. I'd talk on msn with those emoticons everywhere, and I mean it. Unlike now, when I can just go 'wahahaha' or 'hehehehe' or (: or :D, but here I'm crying and can't bring myself to even smile.
I've lost this power, to be happy. I'd wait for smses everyday, for calls everyday in the past. My phone would ring so often. Your number was always the top in my 'recent contacts' list. And my inbox would be filled with your smses. My blogposts would be filled with our lingos, with the things we do. And whenever I went online, your user was the first I'd look for.

Now nothing. No calls, no smses, no happy blogposts. Now whenever I see your user on msn, I'd weep here, wondering why you didnt put the sweet msn nick meant for us. I'd think of the sweetest things to tell you, the most awesome poems to give you at night.
Even though we didn't talk much on the phone, but we'd still be on the phone for hours. We'd just hear each other's breath with a random question here and there. It was enough for me, to get to hear your breath. Even in real life at yours or my house, even if we dont talk much, I was just happy to be beside you. Even in the bus when we just stood there silent as we shared the earpiece, I was so fortunate to have someone sitting beside me, especially when its you.

Honestly, I've been searching, but no one can replace you. You are too special, there is no one who can be like you. You are so different from everyone I know, and that's why I loved you so much. And I was really happy you loved me so much too, although the love was short-lived and it stopped. It took us a hell of a long way to get to be together, but we still did it. Anniversaries, we'd always celebrate. Valentine's too, our birthdays too.
You are just so special, irreplacable. If anyone could be as awesome as you, I'd fall for that person at first sight. But that's impossible, because you are just the nicest person I know, even though you don't show it much.

My beloved deardear darling precious boyfriend, do you remember this lingo of ours? When you called me baby baobei precious boyfriend too? I still remember, and I still love you. *hugs tightly and muacks*, hais...

We've reached a point of no return, as least for me. I can't get out of this love, although I believe you've already done so, and have fallen for another, and I'm here at square one doing nothing but mourning over lost stuffs that I can never get back.

P.S.: This mask, has been on since we broke up. I show this mask to everyone, and whenever I'm alone, I'd take this mask off, and cry it out. Because behind this 'happy' and 'cheerful and energetic' mask, lies a 'sad and lonely' and 'emotionless and restless' randal.