Randal has tried to love honestly. Tried to like.

The moments we had, although it ain't much, was really enjoyable. But I feel, it ain't myself much. I used to be much more submissive, much different. I am so sorry, things are turning out this way to say the truth.

Randal is a jerk for being insensible and insensitive to you.
Randal is being a bastard for not having the ability to return the love.
Randal is not being able...

To love you, as a lover.

This phrase is very familiar? Right? Yes, because someone told me before. Because of this, i cried for 4 months, and still counting. Because i loved someone so deeply, for so many years, and that person just changed after a trip overseas.
Because that person cannot feel strongly for me anymore. Because of this, I'm traumatised.

Yes, I'm gay, I'm loudly saying this because I've made the blog private. Only a few people can read this, and its enough.
You see, this is very simple in my mind actually, but i've made it so complicated. I have no illness but I've went to take medicine.

I like guys. My heart pump automatically when I see a shuai ge. Okay, anyone I invite is surely 18 and above. So I can say this...I watched porn before. I watched normal hetero ones and I just went, oh icic, scrolls down blah blah blah. But when its gay porn, you know. Different. But i'm just not obssessed with it because I think its lame to watch people having sex fakely just for money.

Okay next point. When i was with you last time, you know who. My heart would pump like mad, even if its the 100th time we've met up. even if its the 1000th time we met up!
Every shop I go in, I never NEVER think of myself first. I always think of you. What to get for you? What you like? Do you like chocolates? What kind? Oh this shirt looks great, you are XL size, I'll get one for you. Oh, orange is your favourite colour! I'll get that colour for you indeed!
Before we meet up, sometimes I'll get down early to look around. Remember how often you'll get chocolates or random gifts/treats from me? Ranging from bubble tea, to random snacks like crispy chicken etc. Then, i'll end up forgetting to get one for myself.

Even when we watch ANY movie, even if I hated the genre, even if I disliked the venue, I still go. Because i dont give a damn to what i think. I only care what you think, what you like. Remember fast and furious 3? I honestly felt extremely bored and fell asleep. Remember Ninja Assassin? I cried at the movie, because i HATED gore since the first day of my birth. but i still watched it with you, because you liked it. You always liked sweet popcorn remember? When to say the truth, I HATE popcorn and always eat so freaking little of it? Yet, I'd pay half of it just so that you can enjoy the luxury of eating it!
So much stuffs we did, because of you, and never cause of me. Honestly, thats how i treat guys. At least, thats how i treated you.

As for now, April. ): There's so much times in my life, I always care more for others than myself. Blame it that i'm freaking dependant in the past on my ex. More or less, without him, I'd die, kind of feeling. I tried liking you, treating you the same as I treated him. But no matter how hard I tried, it doesn't work out.

Can you believe it, in the past, because he's angry over a friend of mine, I'd cry. Like mad, hugging him and wetting his entire shirt with my tears. Just because he disliked this friend of mine and criticised her. I told him, dont angry, its not worth. He didnt listen and criticised more. Feeling helpless and useless, I broke down.
Yet in our case you see. I tried my best. You hated amon. Don't worry, I won't invite him here :X But yeah, I have no idea why I don't feel that much hatred. I just felt slightly disturbed only. It's different.

I can't bring myself to treat you the same. When i walked around NTUC today morning to search for stuffs to buy for you. I ended up buying juice and sweets for myself. It's totally wth. Really, I hated that I felt that way.
I was so thankful that you came down all the way to tampines to watch the opera show. But okay, I cant say it much because it hasn't happened, but if you asked me to go that far for something, I will go. But with a slightly unwilling mind. It's worlds apart from how i treated him, that I'll go automatically without him asking.

You see, the way you are treating me, is like how i treat him in the past. In other words, I was the girl that loved the guy deeply. Same as for you, the girl that loves me (the guy) deeply. The only weirdest thing is, I've been a 'girl' all the while. I can't change to be a 'guy'. I was trying, really hard. But it's not natural. You realised, when you asked how i felt when we held hands, I just realised i missed out something...happy.
When i first held his hand, I couldn't stop thinking of it. When i held his hand, i thought further, I wanna hug him. Then kiss him. Then i'll smile constantly for the entire time i was holding.

April, I think I'm freaking weak. I'm no guy. I'm not the guy for you. I don't deserve your care, your concern, your love. Because you treat me so well, but i cant treat you that well. I predict I'll either stay on the shelf waiting idiotically for some guy to fall for this ugly, stupid me...or I'll just give up on love, which I currently cant do.

I don't have the courage to say this on msn or anywhere else but here. April, I think after thinking so much...I believe I only like guys. I believe I can only like/love guys automatically without a need of a push. I'm really sorry, I dont deserve your xi xin-ness. I'm really very thankful for you liking me. For you, to have liked me...considering in my life, not much people actually liked me this much. I still dont know, what you like in me. What others (you know who) likes in me.

The tears roll endlessly as I keep reproaching myself for being such a bastard. But sorry April, I believe I will have to disappoint you. I can't bring myself to be as straightforward as joyce, because that just ain't me. Because I DO NOT like to hurt people. but wth, i'm doing it now. -.-" okay, april. I'm sorry. I know there's someone out there who'll love you and treasure you much more than i do.

You said you are content to know and find out that there's a gentle guy like me out here. I'm glad you've gotten some confidence back in love, and I believe there are really such guys like me, out there. I've seen some bfs of my friends, being very nice. Equally nice or maybe even nicer than me. Honestly april, I'm not as nice as how i usually treat my loves. It's unimaginable, I'd do technically ANYTHING for them. So sorry april.

Omg, long winded i sure am. But ultimately, I thank you april, for giving me this chance to realise myself, to know myself more. Like i said, after each relationship, we learn something. Thanks april, really thanks :) I hope you will be able to find your true happiness, that you can love the person much, and the person can love you back even more.

But yes, I only like guys.

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Name: Randal Lim Peng Soon
Gender: Male
Relationship: Single/Unavailable
Age: 18
Birthdate: 29/4/1991

School: Republic Polytechnic
Year: 3
Major: Sonic Arts
Minor: CO, Zhongruan
Future Career: Zhongruan Performer
Interest Group: RPCO

Likes: Play music, listen music
Dislikes: Sinister, cruel and evil humans
Hobbies: CO, CO and more CO

A better ZhongRuan for 2010
Liu Xing's Zhongruan solo book
Zhongruan NAFA Grade 7-9 book
Get to perform at renowned venue with SRJC
Work hard for this year's Diploma In Zhongruan Exam

Republic Poly:

W34L~
Amin
Cassendra
Denise
Joanne Leo
Jun Liang (JL)
Pei Yong

E35b~
Arief
Fauziah
Hu Deng Kai
Jacob Lau Jian Rong
Lek Yong Liang
Shawn Chin Shun Zhang
Shermane Ten Min-er

RPCO~
RPCO Blog
Ang Shu Zhen
Choy Ee Hwa
Genevieve Tai
Jason Chua
Justina Ang
Kong Yik Hung
Liu Wen Shan
Seow Mei Ling
Tong Wei Jie

Others~
Chew Yao Jie
Lim Yu Sheng
Melissa Tan
Pamela Soh
Sandra Tan
``*``*``*``*``*
Northland Secondary:
Chua Wen Jian
Eugene
Grace Neo
Janice
Ong Siti Nadiah
Siti Mariam
Tricia Tan
Yee Pei Qi
``*``*``*``*``*
Celebrities:
Benjamin Hum
BOA
David Gan
Felicia Chin
Joanne Peh
Kevin De Jiang
Nat Ho
Patricia Mok
Sharon Au
Shawn Chan
``*``*``*``*``*
Others:

Random COs
Lau Xuan Kai (PCO)
Low Jian Sen (PCO)
Ng Zi Quan (PCO)
Wong Yong Xiang (PCO)
Xiu Ru (PCO)
Yi Zhan (BLCCCO)

Designer: BLACKK.mint-
Basecodes: Laural
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Cursor: Doris Chu
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