ZhongRuan Lover

Sunday, June 20, 2010 ' 12:12 AM

Hello all. (: Okay, deep in my heart, I'm not feeling okay. Today has been a really, very tiring day for me. Not physically, but emotionally.

Really glad to meet up with shuzhen and yizhan korkor (: Went to Fantasia and saw jonline, marcus, timothy and yinhao there, along with mr wu. Korkor wanted to repair his erhu by replacing the snakeskin but oh well xD he reconsidered and may be coming back some other time. Had awesome food, and then off to shopping. Totally couldn't tolerate the temptation within me, the desire to shop and buy and buy and buy. Shirts, t-shirts, vests, belts, shoes, pants, jeans, bermudas, bags, spectacles, watches, accessories etc. Oh dear, adding on...GSS is here. I'm going crazy :X managed to keep my temptation (to not use my NETS card) and bought a piece of shirt (: thanks yizhan korkor also for helping me pay half first, will pay you the other half real soon.

Went to J.CO donuts to slack for around an hour plus, and off to AMK. Met daryl lok there, nice guy though really quiet (to me) LOL :X practiced at tgcc, wanna know more about how i feel about that, ask me personally. Nothing unhappy about that to be mentioned here. Then off home after some bubble tea.

Okay, now its time for some emo-ing. :/ Hai ya, I'm really trying my best to move on, and try to live life without love. But I can't do it, I really can't. Whenever I go out, I just can't stop thinking of you. The quiet you, that will always be there beside me. Not that I'm despising or disliking, but outings nowadays are too hyperactive for me, too much energy, too much talking, too much movements. I wanna live in that little private world of ours, when we go on bus rides, and there's not a need to talk much. Whenever we walk in shopping malls or anywhere, we need not walk really fast or talk much either, we only needed each other. Now my social circle has changed so much, it has been very loud and energetic lately, too much for me to blend in. Everyone is going bonkers easily from small matters which I don't find funny nor necessarily energetic.

Alot of my circles luh. Yizhan and Shuzhen's side, too hyperactive. I believe you two have noticed that I'm just too tired for these stuffs. In fact, I've never really wanted to live this 'mad way' lah. I just want to have someone close to, and we'll have each other without a need of constantly going hyper nor laughing non-stop.
It's alot like xiuru's and weijie's situation i'd say. They need not have endless energy nor endless topics, they just need each other to walk home together. It's honestly enough. Just simple holding of hands, maybe a hug and goodbye kiss, and its enough. On the bus, a shoulder to lean on...beats having someone that talks endlessly just to break silence. In the shopping mall, just need someone there beside you walking around is more than enough.

It's really very simple love. Just in each other's heart, we had each other. We knew how much we loved each other, and we need not constantly keep saying it either. We need not have any ridiculous PDAs just to show others that we were in love.
You were as quiet as Weijie, even though in your own social circle that you were sometimes hyperactive, sometimes talkative and hot-tempered towards your friends. But once you turned to me, it was so different. You were calm and cool, you never raised your volume at me. You didn't have to talk much honestly. At most in the bus, we'd listen to music from your psp, and lip-sync to the song. Jason Mraz, Lucky. I'd always sing the girl's part, while you'd sing the guy's. We need not have techno, heavy metal or any energetic music to keep the things going.

You always spoke to me in a very sweet voice that always melted me. You'd look at me with those eyes that told me 'you are my only one'. Sometimes, even the smallest 'I miss you' could make me cry. We'd hold each others hands at the back of the bus and sometimes one of us would blush. I'm really happy for Xiuru and Weijie for their happy relationship, because I know how it feels to have one. It feels so blessed, so fortunate. It is a peaceful relationship, no quarrels, not much disagreements. It was perfect in our case, totally perfect.

Our relationship. We NEVER had a cold war even our relationship was for years. We'd have disagreements at times, but we'll solve it. When you did things that made me angry, I'd emo and you'd catch it immediately. You'd then ask me what's wrong, and 'did i do something wrong? tell me!'. And i'd tell you after that, which i'd melt after you always gave an apologetic face with a 'i'm so sorry!' I'd even hug you at times and say that i never blamed you, and in fact sometimes i even thought that it was me being oversensitive.
Sometimes, even though we gave in to each other so much, but we'll NEVER bring it up again. We'd never bring unhappy stuffs up in our disagreements. We'd never be too stubborn on something, and no matter what...we'd find a consensus. We'll both end up saying sorry, even if it ain't our fault.

Whenever you were sick, I wish I was the one sick instead. Seeing you having those horrid headaches, made me feel so useless. I'd just let you hug me to sleep, hoping that me being beside you would aid somehow. It'd work sometimes :X We'd have alot of fun too :/
It's over, its all gone. No more...

No more nice quiet walks with a man of few words, yet with deep feelings. No more large warm hands to hold, that would tell me that 'No one will bully you, I'm here'. No more passionate hugs and kisses that represented 'I'm glad I have you. And I'm glad you have me'. No more shoulders to lean that said 'Go ahead and sleep. I'll tell you when it's time to alight'.

Nothing is left now. I'm to adapt to the new surroundings. Being alone without anyone to complain to. Today at CO practice, I was so pissed, so angry, so depressed over the music. I wanted to just tell someone about it, and be consoled. I tried two people, but it didn't work. One said that I was bad, the other laughed at my sms. Oh well, can't really blame you two also. (: After all, who am I to you all? Just a friend only what.
I'd remember that if you were the one, you'd call me immediately, being worried about me. Would console me, and tell me to focus on other more important stuffs, like thinking of him. :/ Sometimes if you were beside me, you'd just drag me over to a small corner where we'd have our private time alone. We'd talk it all out, and after a warm hug and kiss topped with your silly smile that never fails to make me smile, i'd be fine surely.

Oh well, no matter how much I complain here, no matter how much i yearn for everything to be back, it will never...i mean, NEVER happen again. I'm convinced that you'll never love me again. What did I do wrong? How am I inferior to the other guy you like? I loved you with my heart, with my soul. You promised me, that we'll be forever. We promised to have each other. You were so close to me, as though it was just a minute ago. I can still remember your warm hands and how it felt. Your hug that my head could only reach your shoulders. You'd even carry me from your kitchen to your room randomly because I was just too tired to walk sometimes. I'd sit beside the basketball court watching you play basketball, and smile whenever you scored. and also smiled whenever you missed too. You'd occasionally turn to me and smile, as I gave you the 'jiayou jiayou' handsign. I was the only one at the side watching you.

Okay, it really hurts. The pain is SUPPOSED to go away in time right? All I can say, its getting deeper. I went to stalk someone's facebook and viewed photos of him and his boyfriend's photos, which only made me cry more. It fucking hurts, when I see those neoprints we took, those intimate (YES PRIVATE ONES that you all cannot see) photos, and worse of all...chat logs. I can't take it anymore, I almost...and I meant it, I almost wanted to hug yizhan korkor today. But it's difference. Though you were of similar height, but your build was larger. Your hands were larger, your smile was more assuring, and your voice was more mellow. You spoke so little. I...miss you.

P.S.: argh, I can go on for 10k words essay about what we've done so much, I still remember so much of it. But it'll never, never be here for me again. I've lost it, because you chose to leave me. Where on earth you do not love me anymore after the trip? Our love was so strong. Maybe, you just got sick of me. After all, I am...your didi maybe...all the while?