Once again, sincere apologies for my absence. (: I'm back to blog, like after such a long time.

Honestly, I don't really feel a need to post much happy stuffs here because happiness, can be seen in real life or online statuses like msn and facebook. But sadness, you all cannot see. Randal wears a mask out everyday, not any normal mask like your cosplay masks, or your facial masks for whitening and what nots. It's a mask that you all cannot see the deep dark heart that lies within, one that has lost...so much.

Having so much to say, I wonder whether I'll be able to say everything before I actually knock out to bed. But nonetheless, let's see how things go bahs.
I always find myself a failure in life, so much unaccomplished. Tell me, what have I exactly accomplished? Nothing.

Love? Okay, maybe 3-4 years of blissful happiness, but it all shattered to nothing now. I chose the guy who I thought would love me forever (and he promised he would) but he did not. He gave me his most, but only for a short period of lets say...2-3 years? After which, it was all me. Me me me, and I found out that he doesn't love me anymore. We've seperated, and don't talk anymore nowadays.
I tried falling for others, but it doesn't work out as well. Either being played, fooled, tricked, or abandoned. HAH, this is hilarious indeed.

Hmms, next up, studies. Let's see...okay even though I did do well for O levels, I ended up not in a JC because of my lazy attitude of not wanting to study. I didn't end up in SP because I don't have good enough results. I ended up in RP, wasting my 1st year on nonsense, 2nd year on BASICS, and 3rd year on bias facilitators. My GPA is not outstanding like above 3.5, my school life is not any way interesting or fun. Modules are boring, useless and unnecessary for my future.

Skills? What skills do I have, that can allow me to have a bright future? Knowing how to play so many CO instruments? Pointless! Learning dizi first in secondary school, then hopping to guzheng, percussion and mallets. So what if I went SYF? I didn't get gold with honours. LOL. After which, coming to RPCO, I picked up ruan and liuqin. Not anywhere near the tough competition out there, I find myself to slow amongst everyone. Learning yangqin at my free leisure? LOL, pointless. Same applies to the other instruments like erhu, cello, pipa and sheng.

Then what? Piano? Violin? A grade 6 in piano is nothing, because it was quite a long time ago. I can not longer sight-read well enough. I find myself ignorant of dynamics, my right hand fingers are not flexible, left hand fingers do not react to pressing of large chords. Violin? Nonsense, I barely learnt it. And now what...? My ruan teacher is not free to teach me, I'm in need of another ruan teacher and cannot find one. No matter how much I practice, I never seem to improve. At this rate, how do I enter NAFA after RP? Impossible.

Other skills you ask? Skills like multimedia? Phototaking and editing? Photoshop skills? Flash animation? HTML? I ain't a pro in them, and will never be, because I just can't stay put...to learn them properly. I have short attention span. Language skills? I'm horrid at chinese and can't converse well in it. English? LOL, aint good enough. Having bad sentence structures, grammar errors, and I can't speak fluently nor convincingly.

Arranging songs? HAH, another failure. I don't have such a good musical background anyway, I can't get my structures right, my harmony is cha-pa-lang, I can't sight-sing, and I need hell of a time to transcribe. I depend on given chords, scores and midi files. Tell me, what kind of arranger...is that? Copycat more like it.

Hmms...next up, friends? Okay, maybe it seems like I have such a huge circle of friends. But when things crop up, when things happen, I don't feel that all comfortable to trouble any one of them. Close CO friends around me like Cassandra, Joel, WeiJie, WenShan, YikHung, ShuZhen, to close school friends like Desmond, April, Jean, Amon? Nope, no one I can approach when I really feel so down. It's like...when I'm weeping and I scroll through my list of contacts in my phone...I don't press anyone's contact to call. I come across...your number. And I remember how much I called that number, your number. The number, that I always wait for at 10.30pm when I'm having dinner after CO.

My own character and personality? HAH, this is a funny one. I treat other so uber nice, I get bullied. I get picked on, I get insulted or taken advantage of? People think that I'll never get angry, play tricks, jokes and what nots. I treat others random treats because I'm nice, and some will expect more in future. I forget to collect my debts and people just act ignorant.
Yet when it comes to me treating others less nice, they say I'm a two-sided snake? I treat a while nice, a while not nice? -.-" Tell me, what do I do to get things right? I raise my voice when I'm angry, and people say I'm petty? I emo and feel sad when people don't treat me nicely, and they say I'm over-sensitive? I don't know how many times I got this, countless. But nothing I can do.

Money? LOL, okay a bit more well-off than others doesn't give me an upper-hand. My parents don't support me much in my wants, such as wanting this wanting that. I had to persuade so much to get my new ruan, and I'm not satisfied with it because of my own stupidity. I want Zhang Xin Hua qin! D: whatever.

Fitness? HAH. I'm freaking unhealthy. I don't exercise, I sleep too much. I have a lousy appetite that is totally PMS-ing. I am malnutritioned especially since I don't like milk. I have no muscles, no 6pack, no strength, no nothing.
Looks? LOL, please. I'm not an ordinary guy. I'm lesser than an ordinary guy. Fat, not any way shuai. Don't have awesome eyes, pimples on my face occasionally. Bad hair that I will wanna cure but will never be able to. Afraid of contact lenses. I wanna wear this wear that, but I don't own the clothings? LOL, how pathetic is this?

Now what can I do? I just have to know that my love for ruan wont die off. That I will stay on to learn the magical instrument and do awesome things on it. But still, I'm too slow. To catch up with the others from NAFA, its too late. It's all too late. What's the point? I won't probably be able to carve a career out of ruan any time soon, maybe at most 8-10 years down the road? Nonetheless, its useless to say anything. I feel that I'm so unachieved, nothing I have been doing...has been going well. Mediocre results that are unsatisfactory to both the society and myself.

Randal, tell me, are you a failure?

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Name: Randal Lim Peng Soon
Gender: Male
Relationship: Single/Unavailable
Age: 18
Birthdate: 29/4/1991

School: Republic Polytechnic
Year: 3
Major: Sonic Arts
Minor: CO, Zhongruan
Future Career: Zhongruan Performer
Interest Group: RPCO

Likes: Play music, listen music
Dislikes: Sinister, cruel and evil humans
Hobbies: CO, CO and more CO

A better ZhongRuan for 2010
Liu Xing's Zhongruan solo book
Zhongruan NAFA Grade 7-9 book
Get to perform at renowned venue with SRJC
Work hard for this year's Diploma In Zhongruan Exam

Republic Poly:

W34L~
Amin
Cassendra
Denise
Joanne Leo
Jun Liang (JL)
Pei Yong

E35b~
Arief
Fauziah
Hu Deng Kai
Jacob Lau Jian Rong
Lek Yong Liang
Shawn Chin Shun Zhang
Shermane Ten Min-er

RPCO~
RPCO Blog
Ang Shu Zhen
Choy Ee Hwa
Genevieve Tai
Jason Chua
Justina Ang
Kong Yik Hung
Liu Wen Shan
Seow Mei Ling
Tong Wei Jie

Others~
Chew Yao Jie
Lim Yu Sheng
Melissa Tan
Pamela Soh
Sandra Tan
``*``*``*``*``*
Northland Secondary:
Chua Wen Jian
Eugene
Grace Neo
Janice
Ong Siti Nadiah
Siti Mariam
Tricia Tan
Yee Pei Qi
``*``*``*``*``*
Celebrities:
Benjamin Hum
BOA
David Gan
Felicia Chin
Joanne Peh
Kevin De Jiang
Nat Ho
Patricia Mok
Sharon Au
Shawn Chan
``*``*``*``*``*
Others:

Random COs
Lau Xuan Kai (PCO)
Low Jian Sen (PCO)
Ng Zi Quan (PCO)
Wong Yong Xiang (PCO)
Xiu Ru (PCO)
Yi Zhan (BLCCCO)

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